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“Osoyoos Lake is really quite breathtaking,” said Sophie Ellis-Bextor. She slipped her hand into William Shakespeare’s as they looked out over the water. “Why don’t we hire a boat for a bit?”

Shakespeare straightened his breeches for action. “Why not?” he said. “Let’s try over there.”

The pair walked hand-in-hand towards a waterside building surrounded by pedalos. The entrance was facing the water and as they rounded the building, they caught sight of a pair of velociraptors lounging by the doorway.

Shakespeare came to an abrupt halt. “You know what,” he said. “I’m not sure about this. I have very pale skin. I might get burnt out on the water.”

“What are you talking about?” said Ellis-Bextor. “It’s late afternoon. The sun’s fairly low. You’ll be fine.”

“No,” said Shakespeare with some certainty. “The light reflects off the water and there’s no shade out there. I’d definitely get burnt.”

“That’s rubbish,” said Ellis-Bextor. “What’s come over you? Why the sudden change of heart?”

Shakespeare eyed the velociraptors, one of whom was rubbing the sickle-shaped claw on its left foot against a step. “Nothing’s come over me. I’m just rightly concerned about my skin – that’s all,” he said.

The second raptor took a half-step towards them. Shakespeare grabbed Ellis-Bextor’s elbow, whirled her round and proceeded to walk away.

“Get off me,” said Ellis-Bextor. “I don’t know what’s with you sometimes.”

They walked in silence for a few paces before Ellis-Bextor spoke again. “Was it them? Was it those guys by the door?”

Shakespeare said nothing.

“Was that what you were scared of?” said Ellis-Bextor.

More silence.

“It was, wasn’t it?”

“Shut up,” said Shakespeare.

“They weren’t going to do anything, you know,” said Ellis-Bextor.

“Shut the fuck up,” said Shakespeare.


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Posted by Alex On July - 26 - 2011

6 Responses to “Hiring a pedalo on Osoyoos Lake with Sophie Ellis-Bextor”

  1. Ken from accounts says:

    It’s all right for Ellis-Bextor. She doesn’t have to run in breeches.

  2. Claire says:

    You’d think Ellis-Bextor would be more understanding. She has porcelain-pale skin herself.

  3. D Charlton says:

    Bastards, velicoraptors, just bastards.

    And I should know.

  4. Bonobo the Clown says:

    Velociraptors absolutely love the taste of 16th Century playwrights.

    And I should know.

  5. Alex says:

    Velociraptors can’t resist going for the male half of a couple that is looking to hire a pedalo for a few hours on a lake in British Columbia, Canada.

    And I should know.

  6. Ne says:

    Shakespeare is totally racist against velociraptors
    What a dick.

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