We’ve has another letter from Brian. He feels he’s been duped again and would like to warn our readership.
Dear Weak Holidays,
It’s Brian. Please allow me to share a recent holiday nightmare experienced by myself and my good wife, Doreen. We decided to holiday in a cottage by the side of Loch Ness in Scotland. There was one reason for this trip and one reason alone. Doreen is a massive fan of the 1980s BBC cartoon series ‘Family Ness’. In fact she won’t mind me saying, she is nuts for Nessy. Of course, she was excited at the chance to view the green monster for herself.
Despite the twelve hour car journey we were excited to arrive at Loch Ness and were happy with the cottage on the shore, aptly named ‘Loch Ness Cottage’. The proprietor had kindly baked us a cake and left a note of welcome, signing off with, ‘Happy Nessy spotting!’ All boded well. Doreen could barely contain herself. She hardly slept a wink.
The next morning we set up our deck chairs at 6am and despite the sheeting rain, we were happy to be there, waiting for our first sighting of Nessy. Now, by midday we were starting to get a little restless. But we told ourselves to be patient; maybe, we thought, Nessy is just a late riser, surely he will swing by this afternoon.
Nothing.
And the next day.
And the next day.
And the next day.
And so on.
To the last day of our holiday. We are still sat in our deck chairs, same spot, rain still sheeting down, still waiting for Nessy. A local fisherman walks past and I ask how we could have been here for seven days and not seen the monster once. He looks at me like I’m an imbecile and stalks off, muttering obscenities about tourist w*?*?s in his thick Scottish brogue.
I went to investigate. I visited the nearby village of Drumnadroicht and asked a few questions. What I ascertained still rocks me to the core today.
THE LOCH NESS MONSTER, MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, HAS NEVER EXISTED. IT WOULD BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR A CREATURE BIGGER THAN A LARGE FISH TO SURVIVE IN LOCH NESS BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF FOOD AND THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATERS.
Now, let me be clear, I have no complaints with the loch itself. That is a fine example of a large, deep, freshwater loch. I do however have a problem with the LIES.
What upsets me immeasurably is the fact that the BBC peddled these lies to our children throughout the 1980s and continue to do so today in DVD format. And Doreen still hasn’t recovered fully from the pneumonia. Imagine the shock of the locals when a distraught Doreen, on hearing the news, stripped herself naked and, with a mighty roar that reverberated around the loch, charged head first into the freezing grey waters. As for the the locals joking that the lake really did have a monster now, well, I’ll let your good readers decide if that is funny or not. We shall not be returning. And I urge your readers to boycott Loch Ness along with us. For it is a lake built on lies and trickery.
Brian Winstanley
Name and address supplied