If you’re a surfer and you’re thinking of spending some time in the area between Aljezur and Vila do Bispo on the south-west coast of Portugal, you are a wise person. It’s a great place and as far as I can tell, it seems pretty decent for surfing. Then again, I’m no expert.

However, one thing I would say to all those people is ‘leave me alone’. I’m not a surfer, but I had a go at bodyboarding and while I was out there, surfers followed me incessantly.

For those that don’t know, bodyboarding is surfing without the difficulty or the kudos. You catch the waves just the same, only you don’t stand up, you just sort of lie on your board. It’s good value, because it’s easier to get out to where the big, cool waves are and you also get more than three seconds of fun before the sea flips you over and stuffs you head-first into the frothing surf. In fact, a complete novice like me can easily catch a wave and speed into shore at a rate of knots.

As a complete novice, I tried to stay away from everyone else. Unfortunately, surfers are such a sheeplike lot that if they see you bobbing around separate from everyone else, they think you have secret knowledge about the waves and head over towards you. You then head in the exact opposite direction and they follow you again. You’re like a pied piper of muscled, sun-tanned dudes.

The surfers need a leader. I don’t want to be that leader.

It’s a little known fact that Montechoro on the Algarve was the site of the world’s finest example of the paunchy, bald-headed, red Englishman.

Back in 2002, Terry Jessop of Doncaster woke on the third day of his holiday to find that his previously immaculate alabaster white skin had not been protected by the patchy covering of hair all over his torso. He was the colour of his beloved Man Utd shirt and this, allied to his middle-aged spread and shaven head, led to him being granted the title of Most English-Looking Man in History.

Things to do in Montechoro

With its lines of traditional English pubs, this is an area where you can embrace the traditional English lifestyle where you drink lager, watch football, go bald, grow a paunch, get sunburnt and be a man. The last point is particularly important. If you truly want to live the lifestyle, you should on no account be a woman. It’s just not the done thing.

If you’re considering taking a holiday on Culatra, you’re probably wondering what you can do while you’re there.

As you’re no doubt aware, Culatra is a fantastically lively place and its leisure activities reflect this.

One of the most popular things to do is to go joyriding on the beach:

From Flickr.

You can also indulge in the Culatrans favourite pastime of ‘inappropriate canine positioning’:

From Flickr.

It’s ‘overly poetic, overly idyllic holiday quote of the week’.

This week it’s Kevin Gould, writing in The Guardian about Culatra on the Algarve.

“Up close, I see that the Culatrans coax exquisite gardens out of the sand with wildflowers, succulents, shell patterns and mad blushes of bougainvillea. Old fishing nets and briny ropes enclose the gardens, and lines of washing flap in the Atlantic breeze.”

The Culatrans have gardens and they dry their washing in them.