I’ve been skiing three times. I’ve been to Chamonix, Livigno and Les Deux Alpes.

Chamonix
I couldn’t ski at all. It was hard. It was dispiriting. There was a lot of fear at the top of slopes, because I tended to visualise losing control and it was a bit embarrassing falling down so much. That said, falling over is far and away the most fun element of the actual skiing. More fun than watching other people fall over, even.

Livigno
This was a bit better. I could ski semi-competently and could experience far more of the mountains as a result. There were no lessons – which was good – and food and drink in Livigno is cheap, so that was good too. There was still a good deal of fear, but satisfaction at overcoming it.

Les Deux Alpes
I don’t know what’s the next step up from ’semi-competent’ – ‘competent’ seems a bit of a generous assessment – but whatever it is, that’s what I was for this ski holiday. There was lots to explore, but there was disappointingly little falling over. In the end, it felt like repeatedly turning left then right and going down a hill. That’s basically what skiing is, but it doesn’t feel too exciting.

I’m still quite tempted to go again this year though. Why? I’ve boiled the ski holiday experience down to the two main plus points:

• Apres ski – There is no better feeling than being a bit knackered and settling down somewhere comfortable with a beer
• Food - If you’re out doing activity all day, you can justify eating a ridiculous amount of food

Now I’ve got to be honest, I don’t remember a huge amount about this place. I’m pretty sure it was borderline unpleasant, but it might just have been that whole ’sleeping in a room with a load of weird strangers’ thing. That always taints your memories of a place.

What I do remember is the toilet. Specifically, I remember that you pressed a button and the toilet seat slowly rotated. There was a bit at the back which cleaned it. Unfortunately, I seem to remember that someone had done a turd on the seat itself and then pushed the button to rotate it.

The cleaning mechanism wasn’t up to the task, obviously and the excrement got all scrunched up and smeared. On balance, it wasn’t one of the nicer things I’ve seen in my time.

Here is a short list of things that you could buy for less than the price of a pint of beer in the Alps:

• 500ml of beer – because although that’s what they sell, it’s actually less than a pint, so it’s EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE THAN YOU THINK
• A meal for four in India
• Five perfectly reasonable bottles of wine from the supermarket in France
• An EasyJet flight to Geneva Airport
• Geneva Airport itself

Trevi Fountain is a 25m high scene incorporating a fountain. It was begun by Bernini in 1629, but is largely the work of Nicola Salvi. It was finished in 1762 by Giuseppe Pannini. It’s all arches and columns and gods and symbolism. If it isn’t the most spectacular fountain in the world, I don’t know what is.

Trip Advisor reviewer, kizzibee, says:

“It’s just a fountain really.”

Kizzibee tells us that it’s not worth spending more than 15 minutes at it.

That’s a maximum of 15 minutes. How many fountains are there in the world that incorporate over a hundred years’ work? How many fountains have had three different architects?

Is there any fountain anywhere in the world that’s worth looking at for longer than it takes to have a shit?