“Fuck this, fuck this and fuck you,” said Shakespeare, climbing out of the bus. The driver regarded him wearily.

“What is that?” cried the bard, pointing at the Pyramid of Khufu. “That’s shit. I’ve seen better monuments in the toilet after I’ve taken a crap.”

“That’s the Pyramid of Khufu,” said the guide. “It is the oldest of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.”

“I’ll say it’s ancient,” said Shakespeare. “Look at the state of it. It’s in a state of disrepair. It needs attention.”

“It was the tallest man made strucutre in the world for almost 4,000 years,” said the Guide.

“But not now, no? Loads of things are bigger than it now. I bet Blackpool Tower’s bigger than it.”

The guide curled his lip slightly. “I don’t know. I don’t know about Blackpool Tower.”

“Oh, you should go. It’s fantastic. Jungle Jim’s Towering Adventureland is one of the wonders of the modern world. At least it should be. Has the Pyramid of Coffee got a Towering Adventureland, by any chance?”

“No,” said the increasingly irate guide.

“No, it hasn’t, has it? Blackpool Tower’s got it. Jungle Jim took one look at Coffee Pyramid, thought ‘that’s pretty wank’ and took his Towering Adventureland elsewhere.”