Broadsheet newspapers feature holiday sections that are full of shit. The best parts of holidays aren’t when you have divine food overlooking an ocean where dolphins spontaneously backflip as you uncork the Champagne. Those aren’t the best bits, because those bits don’t happen.

The best bits are when you’re in a restaurant in Goa on Christmas Day and a man comes in to buy some beer because all the shops are closed. The owner, who’s leathered, sells the customer some beer, only when he takes the customer’s money, for some reason he eats it.

Moments later, the restaurant owner has forgotten that this has happened and asks the customer for payment. The customer then gets to utter the immortal line: “I gave you the money and you ate the money.”

Those are the best bits of holidays.