Shakespeare gripped the laminated menu with both hands. “They put cheese on fucking everything,” he said. “It’s not on everything,” said Sophie Ellis-Bextor. “Don’t exaggerate.” “No, it’s not on the mozzarella sticks,” said Shakespeare. “Fuck me, no wonder they’re all so fucking obese. Look at that fat bastard over there.” He gestured at a giant man in a polo shirt and baseball cap, sitting on his own. “He must have about 60 per cent body fat. That’s more than a pork scratching.” “Just choose...

Sophie Ellis-Bextor was putting petrol in the car while William Shakespeare stood nearby, contributing nothing whatsoever. A large middle-aged woman in horn-rimmed spectacles stopped next to them on her way back to a giant saloon car. “Hey, are you William Shakespeare?” she said. “I’m a massive fan of your work.” “Fuck off,” spat Shakespeare and stared at her as she slunk off looking hurt and confused. “Why do you have to be like that?” asked Sophie Ellis-Bextor. “She might have been a fan of your sonnets.” “She was a fucking...

Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Dear Lord, where have you been? William Shakespeare: Nowhere. Ellis-Bextor: What do you mean, nowhere? Where have you been? Shakespeare: Ah, you know. Ellis-Bextor: What? No, I don’t know. You’ve been gone months. Where the hell have you been all this time? Do you not think I’ve been worried? Shakespeare: Look, just leave me alone, okay. Stop going on at me. Ellis-Bextor: Don’t you dare speak to me like that. I’ve been at my wit’s end. Shakespeare: Have you? Ellis-Bextor: Of course I have. Shakespeare: At your wit’s end? Ellis-Bextor:...

“Fuck, that’s steep,” said William Shakespeare, eyeing the giant rollercoaster in front of him. “It’s the steepest in the world,” replied Sophie Ellis-Bextor. “Not the biggest?” asked Shakespeare as a man ushered them towards two vacant seats. “No, but the biggest doesn’t necessarily mean the best, as I keep trying to tell you.” Ellis-Bextor took her seat and Shakespeare settled down next to her. Suddenly, he turned towards her and with an alarmed look, asked: “Are you talking about my balls?” Ellis-Bextor grinned. “No, your penis, stupid. I was talking about your teeny-tiny,...