“Fuck, that’s steep,” said William Shakespeare, eyeing the giant rollercoaster in front of him. “It’s the steepest in the world,” replied Sophie Ellis-Bextor. “Not the biggest?” asked Shakespeare as a man ushered them towards two vacant seats. “No, but the biggest doesn’t necessarily mean the best, as I keep trying to tell you.” Ellis-Bextor took her seat and Shakespeare settled down next to her. Suddenly, he turned towards her and with an alarmed look, asked: “Are you talking about my balls?” Ellis-Bextor grinned. “No, your penis, stupid. I was talking about your teeny-tiny,...

“Let’s get some breakfast from this bread shop,” said ex-England left-arm seam bowler, Alan Mullally. “You’re ordering,” said William Shakespeare. Mullally led the way through the open door. “Why am I ordering?” he asked. “I don’t speak French.” “Because,” said Shakespeare meaninglessly. It was hot in the boulangerie. He pulled his sheer linen collar away from his skin in a pointless bid to release some of the warmth from his body. “Bonn joo-er,” said Mullally to the immaculately dressed girl behind the counter. “Bonjour,”...

William Shakespeare emerged from the holiday bungalow in stockings, a shirt and… “Is that a codpiece?” yelled Sophie Ellis-Bextor. “Tell me that’s not a codpiece.” William Shakespeare looked down at his genital area. “Of course it’s a codpiece,” he said, confused. “You cannot go diving wearing a codpiece,” stated Ellis-Bextor firmly. “Why not?” “Okay, let me put it this way: you cannot go diving with me while wearing a codpiece. In fact, the whole outfit’s wrong. Where’s your swimming costume?” “What’s...

Toadfish Rebecchi unfurled a languid drive and the ball sailed down the middle of the fairway. He picked up his tee and nodded to William Shakespeare. Shakespeare, clad in a large, swooshing doublet covered by a voluminous coat despite the searing heat, plucked a wooden club from his golf bag and placed his ball on a tee. He addressed it with an awkward, hunched-over stance. For a moment, he stood motionless and then he drew the club back slowly. Before it reached the perpendicular, he brought it back down again with a wild, hacking motion. The ball sliced off to the right, into some trees. “Fucking...